The Wise Giver

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Being loving, giving, of service to others or being a person who is naturally inclined to do for others, sharing talents with others, spreading positive vibes as much as possible, etc. is not to be confused with some being weak. It can turn into a weakness only when you are not in balance and you don’t take care of yourself first. When your giving is not based on the pure desire to give, it can become problematic. Giving based on feelings of guilt, wanting acceptance, feeling like you owe something, or giving only to receive is, of course, not coming from a genuine space.

Your compassion is not going full circle if you are giving before taking care of yourself first. We are like cups that need to be at least somewhat full in order to give some of our contents to others. Being on a path of giving the world what you have to offer is beautiful as long as it is done because you deeply desire to. A wise person who truly has the desire to share their gifts and themselves with the world, are able to do so because they have already given themselves the TLC that they needed.

Sometimes those who are not yet ready to be on that kind of path or just don’t desire it, feel like giving is a burden. Like something is being taken from them. When they criticize you, they are projecting how badly they would feel if they were to give just as much, not realizing that when you actually give yourself that TLC, you are a cup that forever refills. You are wise enough to repose, and also have the power to say ‘No’ or put someone in their place when necessary. You’re not a doormat or whatever else they assume based on your kindness. Most people think in black and white terms. The wise giver is someone who makes sure there is a balance.

The High Road

For an egocentric person, you “walking away” will be seen as weakness. But many of us know that people who are addicted to power struggles are very unhappy and that same love for power struggles and quarrel in itself is a weakness. It is a result of some deep seated grief that they want to re-play over and over. Walking away from pointless struggle, specially if it means to never see the person again is the best gift you can give to yourself and to that person as well. They are already wounded enough as it is, if they are striving so hard to knock you off balance.

There are times when it can be hard to detach. It will be tempting to continue arguing and competing with this person. The way I have dealt with it is to ponder: “what lesson and I supposed to be learning here?”. I am a believer in past lives and the concept that we incarnate with people of previous lives who we have had unresolved issues with. This may be why within some relationships, there will be either an instant attraction, or aversion towards the person. There will be people that for absolutely no reason will give you hell. They may not even know why they dislike you so much or why they are so drawn to you. There will be relationships in which you will have a constant battle of wills, unfounded competition over the most trivial things and power struggle.

The way I have recently learned to and began to deal with this, is to first of all resist all impulses to follow suit. Do not continue the cycle of needless competition or arguing. Detach from it completely. Even if it means to be seen as the “loser” in the eyes of that person or anyone else. In reality that person will feel like they have truly lost something because they have nothing else to go on. You are starving their need for drama, and your attention. Try to view that person as a child who has not healed from past trauma. That is most likely the truth anyway.

If this is a person you have to see every single day or often, you may have to have a talk with them. This is the part that I am preparing myself for, in case my issue is with someone who I have no choice to constantly be around (coworker). At my age (28) I just now starting to get over my conflict-phobia. I needed to achieve the balanced force (Assertiveness) before continuing. The way I handled things in the past was either in a very passive manner, or a very aggressive one. Although I had conflict-phobia, I sometimes did act aggressively in an attempt to appear strong. Aggressive is a cover-up for weakness and neither passive behavior nor aggressive behavior are effective.  I just recently read a book by Doreen Virtue titled “Assertiveness For Earth Angels” that brought more to light for me. Speaking in a very calm, yet straight forward and serious tone, using eye contact, and having no anger in your voice, is part of being Assertive. Speaking to the person about how their behavior makes you feel without sugar-coating. Voicing your concern in a direct yet loving manner is for the interests of yourself as well as the other person. It may either lead to that person awakening and realizing certain things about their behavior, or it may aggravate them.

That leads me to the last step. If the person gets upset and you receive backlash even though you were respectful, the best thing to do now is to no longer have any contact with them. Even in the workplace, it may get awkward, but the best thing is to create distance with the person. Speaking about the issue will not always help but at least the way you feel has been made clear. In some cases the person may try to push you to engage in their drama. This is where taking the high road continues. If things become abusive, appropriate action will be necessary, in the case that it is a co-worker, of course going to a higher authority will have to be done. In the case of family, distance may be needed and if it comes to a friend/former friend, you may have to follow the high road, be assertive and if in the end they still behave the same, it’s time to cut the cord. No more phone calls, no more texts.

You are the only one who can take full care of YOU. Caring about your well-being equates to eliminating what doesn’t serve you. Those things, people and habits that deplete your life force and bring you down. Some people may argue that it is not loving to cut people off but I disagree. It can be the best thing that you can do for yourself as well as the person.