My First Book: Venusian Phoenix

I recently published my first book – “Venusian Phoenix: Poems From The Soul of a Wayward Woman”. It’s a collection of poems I wrote in the span of 10 years, that follows the themes of spiritual highs and lows, rebellion, soul connections, and heart ache. It highlights the woes and triumphs that are consequence of the willful nature of a woman who refuses to conform to a world that is too different from who she is.

Check out the link and enjoy!! – – Venusian Phoenix: Poems From The Soul of a Wayward Woman

The Pinnacle of Womanhood: Women Divided by Societal Programming

In a world where many people abandon their true selves in order to be seen as worthy of admiration, most choose to abide by societal rules at all costs. There is excessive focus placed on romantic fulfillment, marriage and children. There is too much energy wasted on attempting to show the world how much love and recognition we attain, how nice of a family we have, and on an even more negative level, how much success we have as opposed to the next person instead of just striving for success for the sake of oneself. To prove how much our circumstances beat the next individual. I’d like to speak on the battle that has been going on for quite a while now between certain groups of women: Some of those who are already partnered and/or have children and some of those who are not yet married and/or are child-free. The problem many women don’t realize is that they are centering romantic relationships with men and the bearing of children and subconsciously or in some cases consciously labeling this package the pinnacle of womanhood. They don’t realize that this is societal brainwashing and that the real battle is actually a war that has been waged on all of us women by a misogynistic society. Society as a whole is male-centered and this is perpetuated not only by misogyny and male narcissism but also by mass media promotion of unrealistic scenarios that cause a rift between women from different walks of life. Part of this division is also inherited from the internalized misogyny and sacrificial attitudes passed down from the antiquated grannies and aunties who may not have had the choice to be comfortably single back in their day. Who like to enforce their “need” for a man on the younger generations. Who were forced by their mothers to vie and compete over men. For some of these older women, being partnered was their way to find a sense of self-worth, although false. In many cases it was the only way they could maintain their monetary status. Partnership for some of them could have been a means for survival, especially since in past time periods, women were either not allowed to work or it wasn’t socially acceptable for a lady to work. This imposed mentality by the older generations is an anti-woman form of indoctrination that has brainwashed women across the globe, teaching them to base their worth on being picked for romantic partnership and to tie their value to how much they can do for men or for others in general, and how much they can sacrifice for men and children.

 Female servitude and male-centering has been so deeply ingrained in this society, and it has brought on certain systems that ensure that women have the lowest level of self-worth possible. So that we hopefully feel a sense of desperate need for a counterpart to validate our worth and end up in abusive situations or trauma bonds instead of building relationships based on balance, respect, and enjoyment. So that we seek validation from society and hope to be deemed acceptable by it’s standards. So many women are led to compromise their wants and sometimes their needs for an attachment. These systems serve the purpose of keeping women divided through competition as mentioned. From ads and tv shows that highlight women’s perceived imperfections and how to “fix” them, to doctored images promoting almost impossible or unrealistic body standards, to the media and their constant displaying of dynamics that promote the illusion that we are worth more if we’re picked by or liked by men over other women. These ideas then become internalized in girls from a very young age. There is so much in the media and all around us that promote self-hatred. 

Many of us need to understand that our worth is spiritual, internal and intangible and should never be tied to anything outside of us. Especially to any type of compromising that raises others above ourselves. Every so often when I scroll through twitter or other social media sites and forums, I witness this battle. Single women v.s. married women and sometimes said groups v.s. single mothers. A battle that stems from these social conditions that cunningly teach us that one must have a partner in order to “win” or be viewed as more worthy than those who do not have them. This is teaching young women that men are  the ultimate prize. Only giving fuel to misogynistic men and their narcissistic attitudes, their entitlement to milking unbalanced relationships for all they can gain and their entitlement to servitude. 

When I come across these arguments there are only ever a few balanced and unbiased responses from people who see the bigger picture and recognize the true culprit, while everyone else is caught up in their ego, striving to prove which group’s situation makes a woman more of a woman and behaving as if their own situation must be imposed on the rest. As if it’s the end all be all *cue eye roll*. I believe the best situations are those in which women live in their truth. Where women live their individual lives in a way in which their spirits will be fulfilled without needing others outside of them to follow the exact same path. Without trying to convince anyone that her position is the best. I call that peace! When a woman whether single, married, a mother or anything else is able to connect with herself, gets to know herself and her soul’s desires, growing to accept in themselves what this imperfect world perceives as flaws and remembers that the world’s opinion is not reliable because society is broken anyway. An optimal position for a woman is one in which she is enjoying time for herself, nurturing her inner child as much as possible. Making the decisions that would benefit her internal growth and joy, not those decisions more favored and dictated by other individuals. Not decisions dictated by the hopes, fears and judgements of others but by her own internal guidance. Women regardless of marital status should engage in all the things that enrich their spirits. Things that they truly aspire to do that do not take away from who they are and those that have nothing to do with romantic relationships and approval from men. In other words preserve your individuality outside of relationships, children and/or the desire for those things, whether you are a wife and/or mother or not. Your independent decisions are fit for the course of your life and your life only.

Remember that platonic relationships are an important form of companionship as well that should not be ignored in favor of romantic relationships. Many times it is the platonic friendships that can bring growth and new opportunities, as long as we don’t also use those to replace internal work and self-love. 

Many women with insecurities engage in these battles where they status shame other women or shame them for having/not having children. Some married women attach themselves so much to their marital status or their title as a mother that they may use having those things as weapons when attacking women who are single. Some of them dangerously lose their individuality and sense of self in these titles and when hearing about women who are living their single lives happily, they may come to feel a bit resentful about not being able to have the same freedoms as single women. On the opposite end, because of the programs mentioned before, some single ladies will allow the world to impose on them the belief that they need a partner so they either feel like they are not enough therefore engaging in ridicule towards married women for even having a union with a man in the first place. Shouting at the top of their lungs their hatred for children or their freedom from being controlled in a union. Many assumptions are thrown around, speaking on married women being “dependent” or that they must be stuck in miserable marriages. If she is a mother, she is automatically unhappy with motherhood as well. 

It is clear that there is a deep insecurity within a percentage of women in both groups, who at some level want or once hoped to be in the opposite position. Others are resentful to see women in situations they’ve been convinced by society, family or friends, to see as “more favorable” than their own. Others simply ridicule because they do feel “superior” in some way to women who have to “deal” with children. Some people do not see an identity outside of their current physical circumstances or what they can “hold over” another person and use those present circumstances to attack those in the opposite situation. All because they’ve built resentment towards the judgements and expectations that have been put on them, or because they are insecure in general and need to convince themselves the other person is less-than. Anyway, women should work to deprogram from these outdated beliefs systems. We have to stop listening to others’ expectations of us. I know it is not easy when this world bombards women with them. Stop engaging in these battles and realize some people simply feel the need to get temporarily high on dopamine. They don’t know how else to tap into their true value, which has nothing to do with what the world wants from any of us. Engaging in these battles all go back to centering men and romantic partnership at the end of the day and only reveal a lack in self-worth for many.

As a married woman myself, I believe you should not have to abandon yourself when you are married and/or have children. See, the problem is again, those older generations that see ultimate honor in constantly putting others first and abandoning yourself. Another culprit being the misogynistic people who hold beliefs that women should only serve or be mules. Constantly putting your needs to the side and giving to a partner without filling your own cup, comes from a mentality rooted in fear of abandonment or it was what some women were raised to do by their mothers who probably had these issues. In my own experience there are elders in my family who have had issues or questionable things to say when it came to me pampering myself, dressing up, wearing makeup and going out ‘without the kids’. Expressing concern and fear, as that a mother taking care of herself means that the children will be neglected. I think it’s hilarious and at the same time a very sad thing that self-care is seen as shameful. Heck, I even got scolded for not helping my own husband season and barbeque some food at a small get together in my home. It was an oddity to them that he didn’t mind or care to do it by himself and that I sat down to chill. This is what I mean when I say the older generations expect you to sacrifice themselves as they did in their day.

 As a mother one must take time for oneself from time to time in order to mother in a balanced way; In a way that will benefit both the children and yourself. Do not let the guilt tripping from the old-fashioned people influence you. To remain in the best state possible while mothering, you must renew yourself. Take the opportunities that are presented to you, for that time to yourself, time with friends and time away in general if you are not in a dire situation. I understand if the circumstances may be difficult in the case where a mother happens to be single and lacks a support system, it may be harder to be away. That’s obviously the exception. Overall, women benefit from any opportunity  for renewal and self focus. It is essential when cultivating self-love and honoring your individuality.

There are upsides and downsides in all scenarios in life, whether married or single. Whether parent or child-free. It is natural to not feel a need or desire to have children. It’s wise to choose not having them if we feel we aren’t mentally, emotionally or financially stable enough for them or if we simply want to enjoy a child-free life. Some don’t want that kind of responsibility and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just like choosing being a parent or unexpectedly becoming one shouldn’t be shamed either. This is life, and it happens. There is no such thing as the pinnacle of womanhood. Especially if it is rooted is misogynistic standards of servitude or child-bearing. As a woman you have the divine right to live in a way that places you as a priority in your own life. That’s how you flourish. This is one reason why single-shaming makes no sense. It’s designed to keep women focused on needing something outside of themselves so they can rush and pick someone, anyone to be with instead of enjoying themselves. Instead of focusing on healing and building oneself from within. Instead of pampering herself and having fun. It leads some women to rush into partnerships and become easier for misogynistic, narcissistic men to control or take advantage of. The optimal position is for women to nurture themselves, cultivating self-love and becoming empowered. When this happens, and healthy partnership is desired, one is more likely to attract more balanced people whether the partnership happens to be romantic or not. I love seeing women waking up and ignoring societal standards of what women are “supposed” to be doing. It’s great to see them at peace in who they are, so much so, that they don’t go out of their way to try and oppress other women with the same standards that oppress them. They allow other women to freely be who they are.

Empowered Women v.s. Parasitic Women

When you are a woman who owns herself, are balanced in your approach and has boundaries, you may encounter at least one woman in your life who soon after your first meeting will make it a challenge to try to possess you like you’re their shiny new toy.  They begin with a shower of constant compliments and love bombing.  Over time those compliments begin to turn backhanded. After a while they may begin to throw subliminal insults online or disguise them as jokes to your face,  followed by the per usual “just kidding”. When your boundaries stay sturdy as a result of noting and observing their behavior, they begin to feel frustrated since their shower of compliments and the pretense of “being friendly” didn’t really move you as they had hoped. You have a good sense of picking up on manipulation.  Although you pick up on this,  you keep your demeanor balanced. When you remove yourself from the situation. Their frustration becomes more evident as they try to obsessively maintain contact and bombard you with questions asking “are you mad” or invasive questions like “where have you been”.

Eventually some employ more aggressive tactics to continue a connection with you. They may become confused and frustrated by your not allowing them to manipulate your moods and reactions so they will need to create conflict by doing things to try to get you out of character and trigger you. Chaos and conflict is another soothing method for women like these, #1 because they want an opportunity to cry victim once you waste energy defending yourself, and label you the offender. #2 they want to draw energy out of you and feel satisfaction reducing you to their level. When continuing to keep your distance they’ll at the least resent you for it and simply move on,  but at most they may say you’re stuck up or think you’re better than others as a way to evade accountability. At worst they may concoct and spread rumors about you. 

Some of these women will be all around rude to you  because they are triggered by your self-reliance. Despite their rudeness they expect openness from you and will endlessly wait for you to extend olive branches so they can purposely reject you. Their rudeness is simply a cry for your attention and your reaction would be a doorway for them to attempt to disempower you. If you don’t remain open, and go on about your business or are the type to swiftly not give energy to this type of behavior, they will resort to the gossip and slander mentioned above. They’ll say you’re the one that’s difficult, stuck up, rude and closed off. Basically an attempt at projecting who they are on you. 

To some all of this up, this is the female narcissist. They’ll try to remove you from your own position of self-ownership and confidence, but to no avail. If they grow in the least bit they’ll realize that’s impossible to do because that self ownership and confidence comes from within and from a place that is intangible. A place they can never reach. Some may say, why not give them a taste of their own medicine? In my many years of learning about interpersonal relationships through my own experiences I’ve concluded that these types of personalities want to manipulate your reactions. They want you to be just like them. That’s their goal. These are people that enjoy chaos and want to pull you into theirs. People do not realize they’re being ripped off and give away their power easily by reacting to these people. 

The whole narrative of this type of girl is “I see this powerful woman that owns herself. I want her to validate me and approve of me so that I can feel better about myself and by reducing her with my dysfunction I can feel for once that I’m better than her and women like her. I don’t believe in balance and I am addicted to power struggle so instead of operating on an equal level to her and realizing that I am just as worthy as her, I will continue to refuse to do the work and would rather take the easy way out by reducing her to the best of my ability. Reducing her to the level I believe I’m in. I want to make her worship me because her power reminds me that I am not powerful enough and I envy that.  I want to make her pay for my shortcomings and punish her for doing the self healing and self loving internal work that I refuse to do for myself out of laziness and fear of confronting myself.”

Get this: Women who radiate a quiet confidence and  a neutral disposition while being self-reliant and self-loving got there because they FACED THEIR DARKEST SHADOWS. THEY DID THE WORK! Attacking them or trying to riddle their lives with drama will never get you to their level or higher. That will only bring you down even further. If you want to reach that level you must take accountability of your dysfunctional drama-addicted behavior. These women you’re targeting did hard work and faced, accepted, healed and continue a life long healing journey through recognizing the worst part of themselves and therefore recognizing the inner goddess. They don’t operate from a place of lack nor spend time trying to “take” someone else’s power because they know they have their own. They’re too busy filling their own cups and nurturing themselves as should you. Going into your shadow and becoming self-aware is the key to liberation. 

For those who are on the verge of awakening: Parasitic behavior keeps you going in circles. Being courageous and facing yourself takes you places and gives you access to the best version of you. Being courageous and accountable leads to living your best life spiritually and mentally, fueling many miracles into physical manifestation. The only way to advance is to take accountability of your own bs!

Psychological Take on Discrimination

Society is very fickle. Acceptance can turn into rejection very quickly. Letting the world dictate your worth is self-destruction, whether they accept you or not. 

This brings me back to how certain groups are celebrated above others. When people from the lesser celebrated groups are elevated in some way, come barging in people from privileged groups to shut it down! Because their sense of superiority against the less celebrated group is challenged. When people from privileged groups have strong reactions towards the celebration of those who get less attention usually, that means they don’t believe in their own worth in the first place. They depend on society to tell them how much better they are than another group.

On a smaller scale, someone who is well grounded in healthy self-worth, doesn’t have issues with others being celebrated, especially when people who are barely uplifted, finally get the spotlight and look amazing doing it.

Some groups operate from the fear of lack. They’re in constant fear of being out shined so they keep the status quo by following supremacist ideologies. Other groups constantly ridicule certain features because they’re afraid that someone with the features they ridicule will gain any confidence at all and be seen for what they are.